Monday, July 4, 2011

Break Lines

A sense of ambiguity and
deep, deep ambivalence were like
fresh, sharp splinters under my skin,
like little bees buzzing around my head,
irritating and irrational,
demanding, it seems,
undivided attention
but really, really
just needing to be 
let out the window.

Partly in old unnecessary shame
and partly in grief
I quivered like a trained dog on a leash
wanting to rush forward and slash
with my teeth and inside I was
shaking with the need to be still
and not do anything
to wait on God
to wait for an answer
that may never come
and so I kept my voice quiet
and my head down
lest I lash out and
shame us both.

I want answers
that are not
my own made-up ones. 
My ego demands reason,
things that make sense given
what I know
or what I thought I knew 
about the way things are;
things like...

Oh never mind, 
it doesn't really matter
what's in my head
or what I want.

So instead of doing anything
"crazy" or demanding 
or irrational 
I went about my business
and I lived my life
and I brushed my teeth 
and I looked in the mirror
and saw how beautiful I am
even with so many 
unanswered questions
and a smooshed up crying face
and a mouth full of toothpaste
and tears running down my cheeks
and it was at that moment
a new and delicate
break line 
carved itself into
my heart
which I knew I could add to my collection 
and pour it onto a canvas and
hang it on my wall
and impress my friends with.

And when all is said and done
what I want to say to you 
is just this one small thing: 

Who are you
if you are not the You
I thought you were? 

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