I’ve been thinking a lot in recent days about “the Jesus moment,” the one that many of us will have at some point in our lives, although we may not recognize or name it as such. It’s not a matter of simple disappointment that brings you there, or a small heartache, or a little grief, a Petite Pal. No, no, I’m talking about the Big One, the Grand Mal seizure, the Big Kahoona, the goddamn death throes - the moment you cross over in this life from the world you used to live in, from the beliefs and people that held you up and kept you in the illusion of safety, and from the person you used to be.
It's the moment when you are on your knees yelling, “Uncle!” and really meaning it, or curled up in the fetal position around your broken heart pleading for mercy, or walking around just fucking stunned and wide-eyed and crippled with the agony of being in your own body, unable to draw a full breath without stabbing pain, lost and confused because everything you thought you knew to be true, isn’t. It’s that big ugly cry you have with the snot running down your face when you need a bath towel and not Kleenex to sop up the mess, the cry that is so noisy and gasping you seem kind of crazy, even to yourself, the cry you believe will never end. Yeah, that moment when you are begging God to release you, asking what He wants from you, asking if He really means it, really? Begging to be freed from the torment of being in your own skin because it burns to be you, asking if you really have to give up everything you ever wanted, to give it up and give it over, to let it go claw marks and all, to die to your old earth-bound, small-seeing, petty little Self.
And if you think I’m being dramatic then you haven’t had your Jesus moment yet.
But stick around – if you are living and loving hard enough, you will have it. You may avoid it if you stay small, if you stay alone, if you don’t give your heart to a cause, a purpose, a great love, if you keep hiding from yourself. But if you risk at all, if you ever want something or someone so badly it blinds you to everything else, or blinds you, more importantly, to God, then you will have that moment. Because - and I can’t believe I’m saying this and really meaning it – I believe God is a jealous God, in a nice sort of way. The Great Creator wants us as Her Lover first, before anyone or anything earth-bound. He wants us to love Him more than anything, to go to Her first before we seek advice from others, to have the Great Reality as our Primary Relationship, to be one with the Great Beloved, and to experience Great and Constant Love from the Universe.
I believe that moment, that Dark Night of the Soul, the deepest, darkest night ever, when you are curled up in the fetal position feeling betrayed by life, when you feel so alone because you ARE alone, can become your brightest moment ever, if you let it. Because when you accept the truth that we are all alone (and yet we are all one), and that aligning yourself with God is the only way out, you will have your Jesus moment. You will understand what Christ was really saying as He hung there, and what He still says:
“If you give God your right to yourself, He will make a Holy Experiment out of you.” *
*My Utmost for His Highest.” Oswald Chambers, June 13