Monday, March 3, 2014

I Would Like to Give Up

I would like to give up 
the constant noticing of what lies
beneath the surface
the awareness of the deep river
that flows beneath my soul
the pull of its weight a magnetic force
holding me fast to the earth and the
daily round of boxed in drudgery

I would like to give up
the secret brooding I engage in
when my feelings are hurt or
when I have lost someone I love,
that secret thing I do of falling into
a lovely, if temporary, 
morass of self-pity.

I would like to give up 
the fear that I will always be 
single, simply too much
for any rational man to take on:
too loud, too smart, too self-sufficient,
too messy, too deep and sometimes
too needy of reassurance and also, now,
too capable of telling you to just
knock it off already and stop being a dick.

I would like to give up
and I mean really give up,
the if-onlys, the yah-buts, the backward glances 
over my shoulder when I cannot be present
here in this moment, this one right here
and give up the wish that the past could be
any different.

I would like to give up
the eating of potato chips, especially
when I eat them with a sense of futility
the sense that I will forever be alone anyway
and cellulite is irrelevant when you are
fully clothed so screw it, 
just pass me the bag already. 

I would like to give up
the worry about my children and their future
about whether they will make it
to happy, successful and loved adulthood
and the worry that I have passed on the legacy
of single parenthood to my eldest and the fear
that he will never overcome it and find a nice girl
and just settle down some day. 

I would like to give up 
my ordinary every-dayness
my oh so pedestrian humanity
and just completely and forever
embrace my divinity and live constantly
in the Light of God's love and never again
experience loneliness or a feeling of separateness
all alone in the dark. 

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