Wednesday, April 16, 2014

Batting a Thousand


I have to tell you, I am not exactly batting a thousand in the online dating arena.

I mean, so far I’ve been propositioned by…mmm…maybe six 20-something year olds, all of whom expect me to take them seriously as candidates.  I mean, I know exactly what they think they’re auditioning for, but seriously, if that was all I wanted, I certainly wouldn’t be looking for it online.  And although they do strike me as brave souls, I have not encouraged them in any way.  One of these, ahem, ambitious young men spent some time via email trying to convince me that age doesn’t matter, but what he doesn’t know is that in his case his…ummm….. youthfulness would be the very reason I met him, and that’s all I’m gonna say about that.

I’ve also been approached by men who have absolutely no business approaching women, romantically or otherwise. They are just fucking creepy, and I’m sorry to be the one to say that, but they just are.  I don’t respond to them, ever. 

There have also been several who seem pretty normal, which has kept my hopes up of meeting a decent guy, but the conversations just kind of peter out, and they wander off, probably distracted by some shiny new object in the shape of a girl, and so I just sit tight and watch them go.  Gone are the days of me chasing men, waving my arms around saying, pick me, pick me!  I’m too old for that, and besides, who has that kind of time?  

And then there’s the guy I swear is someone I recently dated, whose profile sounded exactly like him – self-centered, disgruntled, kind of whiny and needy, annoyed at women and the world in general for not giving him what he wants, and full of little thoughts and anecdotes that sound like lies.  And when he emailed me to say how sexy he thinks I am and to ask if, P.S. could he send me a photo via text or email (he’d taken down the one of him in dark shades and a hoodie), I told him politely if formally that I’d read his profile and did not think we’re a match. I also said that even if we were, I wouldn’t want him to send me anything because I think a public photo is much more straightforward and honest.  He replied and said that I sounded  - get this - condescending and uppity. Uppity, I tell you!  Uppity.  As if I have stepped out of my defined role as, what, the Little Woman who does what she’s told?  Holy crap.  Uppity. Yeah, he so totally had the wrong girl.  Like I’m going to give my personal contact information to a guy whose hiding behind very dark glasses and looks like he carries extremely sharp knives?

I have been on a couple dates in the real world via this online dating thing, but alas, no sparks.  Not for me anyway, but in each case I was asked out again. And the atheist engineer guy who wore a tie to our coffee date (?!) who puts haiku in his software code notes was super disappointed when I turned him down for a second date.  Said stuff like drat, and dang and darn.  No really, he did.  Said if I changed my mind to give him a call.  But…first of all, the guy’s an atheist (what was I thinking?).  And worse, he had a porn collection he kept with his books, all of which were sorted by category. I mean, I know this because he had photos of his two very full, very tall bookcases online, and when I asked how they were sorted (because who collects that many books without lovingly caring for them?) he listed things like mystery, adventure, sci fi, computer books, etc. and porn.  Now, in a general sort of way, I have come to accept the fact that no American male anywhere has never watched porn, and in a general sort of way I have sort of mostly no problem with keeping your favorite flick on hand for…well, you know what I mean… but to have a collection? To have that collection sorted?  Um, yah, I’m sorry, but I’m just not that evolved. 

Oh, I haven’t mentioned the Irishman who – oh never mind. It’s not worth it. Suffice it to say, when I disbelievingly read his texts to my ex-husband, he just shook his head slowly with his eyes closed and said, “He has no idea who he’s dealing with.”

I am not entirely sure how to take that, but in a weird way, it’s kind of encouraging.